June 2011
2 posts
The Many Faces of Ron Swanson
flyingscotsman:
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Just Once...
I wish that at the end of a flight, the Captain would come over the loud speaker and, at the end of thanking me for flying with X airline, say, “Now get off my plane” in a Harrison Ford voice circa Air Force One.
May 2011
9 posts
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WatchOTTERS!
funnyordie:
Otter vs. Adorable Kid
A cute little kid races an otter at the zoo. Who wins? We all do!
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'Botox Mom' Investigated by Child Services After... →
Update on a previously posted link.
I fail to see how administering bikini waxes to a child in the hopes that pubic hair doesn’t grow there is giving that child the best start in life.
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Pageant Mom Defends Giving 8-Year-Old Botox and... →
Three things.
1. I’m 26 and I don’t have wrinkles that require Botox. 2. Is she one of those kids from ‘The Event’ and that’s why she needs Botox? 3. What the smurf is a “virgin wax” and why does an 8-year-old need one?
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On Testicle Injuries
Dave: I never joke about injury to the testicles.
Me: Then you won't like the new album by The Lonely Island.
April 2011
1 post
Wily like a fox
Oh how I miss the days of being a TA.
shitmystudentswrite:
Like a woman seduces a horny man, Hitler captivated the people of Germany.
March 2011
9 posts
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Charlie Sheen fired from 'Two and A Half Men' |... →
FINALLY! This is the best news I’ve heard in years. Eight to be exact. Woot!
February 2011
5 posts
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Charlie Sheen Now Writing His Memoirs |... →
I must have this.
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'Two and a Half Men' production halted for rest of... →
I like to think I had something to do with this.
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Mustache Man (Wasted) // Cake
Getting back to...
January 2011
9 posts
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Hipster Huckleberry Finn Solves Censorship Debate... →
Richard Grayson, a Brooklyn writer and editor, has gone above and beyond angry or satirical tweets in response to Publishers Weekly’sannouncement that they would release version of Huckleberry Finn (and The Adventures of Tom Sawyer) without the word “nigger.” He’s released a whole new version of the book, entitled The Hipster Huckleberry Finn, which replaces every...
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Almost nine years later, Langenbrunner returns to... →
Hells. Yes.
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Black Dirt // Sea Wolf
I got Leaves in the River...
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A Year in Review
Oh 2010, it’s been an interesting one. Just when I felt like we were getting along, you left. Oh wells! 2011, can you top this?
In 2010, I:
Got rejected for a lot of jobs early on
Moved to DC to better my job prospects
Convinced my boyfriend to buy Lady Gaga’s CDs
Got a job
Lost my mom suddenly and unexpectedly
Moved back to Texas
Joined a gym
Traveled a lot and caught up with...
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December 2010
2 posts
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Children of December // The Slip
I’m a...
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“Bacon is a wonderful gift. Never look gift bacon in the mouth; put it in your...”
– Me
November 2010
13 posts
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On Drinking Wine in Sweatpants
Dave: Is there nothing that a glass of wine and a pair of sweatpants can't fix?
Me: Erectile dysfunction.
Dave: Wouldn't THAT be a hell of a clinical study?
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On Celebrating Thanksgiving
Me: Thanksgiving lunch is going to be a bit small this year. Not many people are coming.
Laura: Well, Mom did die this year so that's one less.
Me: ...
Me: OY.
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Maury Live Blog
7:15 - Alarm goes off. I’ve been up since 6; the excitement is building.
7:35 - Head downstairs for a free breakfast.
7:45 - Return to room to go to the bathroom.
7:48 - Enter elevator with three people, all African American. After a quick look around, the man beside me is Ice Cube. The rapper. He is very polite and let’s me exit the elevator before him. I thank him and he smiles...
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“Like they didn’t see Chad Henne get hit twice when he slid. No, no, they say,...”
– Channing Crowder, Miami Dolphins linebacker, on Baltimore Ravens’ fullback Le’Ron McClain spitting in his face during Sunday’s game
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On Fighting in Public
Me: A couple in Bed Bath & Beyond were fighting so I went over to where they were, farted, and left.
Dave: What the hell were they fighting about?
Me: I don't know...
Dave: Hmm. It's not good to be doing that in the middle of a store.
Me: Really? That's what you're concerned about?
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An Event Not to be Missed
This coming Friday, November 12th, I will be attending a live taping of Maury. That’s right, I will be in the audience of the trashiest talk show ever to grace a television. In honor of this, I will be live blogging my experience. As far as I can tell, Maury prohibits the use of video and audio recording devices but not cell phones. I have the nifty Tumblr app on my iPhone so I plan to use...
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I'll Be Honest...
When I really have to go to the bathroom, I’ll sing “Karen’s gotta pee” to the tune of Aerosmith’s “Janie’s Got a Gun”.
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